Horoscopes

Virgo

(August 23 to September 22):

Introduce yourself to your neighbors this week. You’ll need them for your alibi.

Libra

(September 23 to October 22):

Your outgoing and affable nature will soon be tested when the upper half of your body is stuck inside of a storm drain.

Scorpio

(October 23 to November 21):

You may be feeling extra sensitive this week, so surround yourself with only your most delusional friends.

Sagittarius

(November 22 to December 21):

You might come into conflict with a 10-year-old girl on the bus who tells you that you have a big, ugly nose, even though you were just minding your business commuting to work. Little shit probably doesn’t even have a job.

Capricorn

(December 22 to January 19):

Even small victories are worth celebrating; however, you should really speak with a professional about why you consider ruining your dad’s new marriage a “victory.”

Aquarius

(January 20 to February 18):

Avoid taking a big bite of food in the middle of your friend’s story about her dead sister. It will be seen as insensitive, no matter how hungry you are.

Pisces

(February 19 to March 20):

This week, your insecurities will cause you to dismiss obvious signs of romantic interest as a regular dental exam.

Aries

(March 21 to April 19):

Someone from your past will reenter your life. Silence them before they can go to the cops.

Taurus

(April 20 to May 20):

Your financial situation is about to improve dramatically, but good luck telling that to the man dangling you by your ankles off the roof of the Chrysler Building.

Gemini

(May 21 to June 20):

Prepare for a crisis of faith as you realize that Catholicism has been dead on about everything.

Cancer

(June 21 to July 22):

While you thought your marital issues were in the past, you ignored the fact that teeth are easy to identify and highly resistant to fire.

Leo

(July 23 to August 22):

You will meet the man of your dreams in Paris, but you’d better get there quickly before he blows all his money on boeuf bourguignon.